30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: MY EX/LOVE/CRUSH

Dear J,

I remember you, and I often think about you and wonder if you remember me.  We were only mere children when we knew each other, only eight years old, in the second grade.  I can close my eyes and summon up your picture even now – I see your freckled little face, your sandy blond hair that was usually sticking up, your sparkling eyes of which I cannot recall the color.  It’s been so long.  Twenty-two plus years have passed since I saw you last.  I wonder if you’re still living in Brewster.  I wonder if you’re married, if you are a daddy.  I cannot remember you last name – if I did, I’d probably find you on Facebook.  Hi, remember me?  I was the little girl you played with in second grade, the one you said you’d marry when we grew up.  We’d probably laugh about that now.  We were so young.  How did we even know what love was?

The thing I remember the most about you is that you were so gentle with me, so careful.  That one day at recess when you took my hand in yours and urged me to walk with you.  The expression on your face begged me to trust you.  You wouldn’t let me fall, and even if I did, you’d catch me before I even touched the ground.  Another memory:  I was happily playing with you and my other two friends, Theresa and Laura, when this other girl, Melissa, walked up to us and demanded that I play with her and only her.  I refused, and was about to invite her to play with all of us when she walked off in a huff.  Of course, I followed her, and you followed me.  So did Theresa and Laura.  But as soon as I reached Melissa, she got up from where she was sitting on the sidewalk, her arms around her knees and her head down and walked off again, only to sit down in the exact same position.  There was no reasoning with her.  So we went back to whatever we were doing.

I don’t remember saying goodbye to you on the last day of second grade.  But you must have known I was moving that summer.  I distinctively remember telling Theresa and Laura.  Theresa was moving too, if my memory is right.  In my imagination, I still see you as the little boy you once were, as I saw you last, even though, you’re a man now, all grown up.  I wouldn’t even recognize you if I passed you on the street.

Today, I am all right, and I hope you are too, wherever you are.  I wish you the best life possible.

Love,

DC

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 6 – A STRANGER

Dear Stranger,

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that I was born like this, that I have cerebral palsy, but the truth is much complicated than that.  If I could talk to you, and you could understand me, you would find that out.  Everybody has an unique story to tell, and mine is not one that you can guess just by looking at me.  I would try to send you my story telepathically, but this is the real world, and it would be fruitless.  So instead, I am writing this letter.

I am a cancer survivor.  I do not remember anything about being sick because I was too young – not quite sixteen months old when I was diagnosed.  Are you even aware that children get cancer too?  People in general don’t like to talk about it or even think about it.  It’s too scary.  But I am talking about it.  I am thinking about it every single day.  Even though I am a survivor and I don’t have to think about it anymore, I do.  Why?  Because there are others.  Every day, according to the statistics, 46 children are diagnosed.  And every single day, seven more of them die from it.  That is one in five children.  Gone – ripped from this life and their parents’ arms.

Every day is a struggle for me because, even though I survived, something went wrong.  I had two really bad ear infections that were left untreated.  My doctors and nurses didn’t even know that my last chemotherapy treatment was indeed my last.  I came down with a really high fever, and kept screaming that my legs hurt.  I was two months away from turning three.  My parents rushed me to the ER, but the doctors must not have figured it out in time.  A viral infection called encephalitis damaged my brain stem.  I had been right handed, but now my right hand was curling into my wrist.  I stopped talking and swallowing and I couldn’t even hold my head up, let alone sit upright on my own strength.  The doctors gave my parents the grim news:  whatever I didn’t get back in six months, I would never get back.  But they were wrong.  I am, and will always be  a work in process, at least as long as there is life in me.

There’s more that I could tell you, but I don’t want to bore you.  But if you want to know something, ask me.  Ask ME, not my parents or my siblings or whoever is with me.  Talk to me.  You may have a difficult time understanding me, but don’t give up on me.  Giving up is the easiest thing in the world, and it’s not an option for me.  It shouldn’t be for you as well.

Sincerely,

DC

 

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 5: MY DREAMS

Dear Dreams,

I am unsure how to write this letter, since you are not a person, but a thing, or things – intangible things, so bear with me here.  I can’t touch you unless something tangible comes out of you, until you come true.  I dream of a better tomorrow.  I dream of a cancer-free world.  I dream of writing for a living.  I dream of so many things I have yet to put words to.  Most of my dreams are earthly ones, but some are rooted in heaven above.  Or heaven around us.  I dream of being free of this body, of physical limitations.  I know one day all of these dreams will come true.  One day.  I remind myself almost daily that the sky is NOT the limit – there are footprints on the moon, after all.  My most favorite quote of all time (and you know that’s saying something, because I just love quotes) is the one by Audrey Hepburn that goes like this:  ”Nothing’s impossible.  The word itself says ‘I’m possible.’”

Nothing’s impossible, even for me.  Or maybe I should say especially for me.  I can do anything and everything I want to do.  It may take me longer than everyone else, but I have faith that I’ll get there.  Sometimes, something will take root in my heart (like childhood cancer advocating) and it does not let go.  The fire I have for writing?  You know it started long ago, when I was seven years old.  I always knew what I was supposed to do, but I wasn’t always sure of how I was going to do it.  One step at a time is how.

I know I tend to live in my own little world most of the time – I think it’s easier for me to believe in myself when I’m alone, because there isn’t anyone to tell me no, I cannot do what I want to do.  If I chase you, my dreams, then I actually feel like I am living.  Without you, I would not be able to move forward.  You are my hope for tomorrow.  I look forward to you coming to life, becoming my reality.  As long as I keep moving forward with my eyes on the prize, I know I’ll be okay.

And who knows?  Maybe you will be more than I could ever dream you will be.

Love,

Danielle

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 4 – MY SIBLINGS

Ryan – You were born at the most perfect time, when I needed you the most.  I may not remember watching you, but I know I must have.  How else would I have known how to pull myself back together?  You paved the way for me when I was lost.  I remember laughing at you when you were freaking out about fuzz in the bathtub because you thought they were spiders.  And when you were in middle school, I remember you got into a fight with some kid who was making fun of me.  I am not saying that that was a good thing, but from that moment on, I knew you had my back.

Patrick – Look at you, engaged to the wonderful mother of your precious little girl!  I really couldn’t be any prouder of the man you’ve become.  I am glad everything has worked out for you.  Sometimes I still see you as the little boy who badly needed a haircut, strumming your guitar or playing with your Legos.  And yes, I have to mention that you took tap dancing lessons when you were three!  Fun memories.  I just love Angelica – you really couldn’t do any better than her!  And of course, Little Miss Aliza brightens up all of our lives.

Jacqueline – When I found out that I was getting a little sister, I honestly could not have been any happier!  I loved playing with you when you were a baby, a toddler, and a little girl.  I have such fond memories of us playing “house” with our dolls – you were “Aunt Jackie” to my kids and I was “Aunt Dani” to yours!  Things only got better when you became the young woman you are today – you are so much fun to hang out with.  Nobody can make me laugh as hard as you can.

I am blessed to be your “big” sister (don’t I know I am the short one in the family!) and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for all three of you!  Love you guys more than you know.  XOXO

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 3 – MY PARENTS

Dear Mom and Dad,

Since the very beginning of my life, you guys have been my two biggest cheerleaders.  I know you remember the things that I don’t – how it felt to be told that I had cancer, and to watch me constantly struggle with life from that moment on.  Thank you for loving me through it all.  I know God had different plans for me than you and I would have had, and we had to learn to go with the flow instead of fighting it.  Those were difficult lessons, but good lessons nevertheless.  I think it has turned out to be quite the ride, don’t you think?

Thank you for always being honest about how I’ve come to be this way.  I understand a lot more of what you guys went through back when I was sick, due to following kids with cancer on Facebook and reading what their parents write.  You never gave up on me.  You never said I couldn’t do something I wanted to do if there was a chance that I could do it.  You treated me no differently than you treated Ryan, Patrick, and Jacqueline, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.  It set the standard for me.

When I wanted to go away to university after I got my A.A. degree, you let me go.  I knew, of course, that you were about an hour away.  And after college, when the back pain started up, you guys were right there with me, wanting to get it fixed.  Of course, I was my usual stubborn self and it took me a while to admit that it wasn’t going away by itself.

And, oh…  Thank you for letting me get a dog.  I know it was trial and error for a while there – I’ve never really taken care of anybody else other than myself – it’s amazing to me Buffy is still ALIVE after almost four years in my care – ha!  She helps me see the lighter side to life – every time I look at her, I have to either smile or laugh.

And last but not least, thank you for undertaking the ginormous project of expanding the back of the house and building me a bedroom on the main floor with my own bathroom/walk-in shower/closet.  I know that was a lot of work, more than a lot (and also stress).  I just want you to know that I appreciate it!

I love you both to the moon and back!

XOXO

 

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 2 – MY CRUSH

Dear DC,

I know you must get letters like this all the time, from obsessed fans, which is why I won’t be mailing this after I’m done writing it.  I know my chances with you are pretty much slim to none, since you’re famous and out of my league, not to mention reach.  But I don’t care.  I love you all the same.

I am so so so so thankful that there are beautiful people such as you in the world – people who aren’t afraid to step out of their comfort zone and scream and shout for the world to change.  Because it does need to change, in more ways than one.  It needs to be more accepting, more loving, more positive.  It is no wonder that the papers and news sites are filled to the brim with reports of suicides and murders.  It’s really sad.  And then there’s you, beaming talent, radiance, and pure love on the world.  Not to be clichey, but you’re my sunshine on a cloudy day.

To know you are in the world is enough.  I see your smile everywhere, and I hear your amazing voice everywhere I go, mostly because I have your songs in my head.  I wonder what it would like to touch your palm with mine and to see your gorgeous eyes and lips smiling down at me.  I just love what you said – “What makes you different makes you strong.”  I couldn’t agree more.  You have a heart, you’re more human than most people, and you’re a very creative guy.  I love all these things about you.

I think you are much braver than me, because you are willing to get up in front of the world and do your thing, while I very much prefer to hide behind a computer screen.  Maybe one day, it will be different.  I don’t know.  I’m just going to take it one day at a time, and take the leap when I’m good and ready.

Love,

DC

 

 

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 1 – My Best Friend

Dear TJ,

I know you like to say you “stalked” me in high school, but I don’t think it is stalking if I liked it.  I know our friendship has had its ups and downs throughout the years, but honestly, what friendship hasn’t?  I am beyond grateful for your love and care over the years, and I’m so excited to be standing up for you when you get married in July.  You’ll be such a beautiful bride! I remember last summer when you were in town and you brought over  your beautiful wedding dress to try on for me.  That was when you handed me the manila envelope with the photo collage of us inside asking me to be one of your bridesmaids.  I couldn’t speak for a few minutes, but I nodded yes.  You know I’d do anything for you!

Our friendship took me by surprise, though it was a pleasant one.  I don’t know what I was expecting – to go through high school keeping my head down, never becoming close to anyone my age?  To have missed out on sleepovers, beading and watching scary movies half hiding behind you?  To have not laughed as hard as I do when I’m with you?  I will never forget that you let me read your private journal in high school so I could understand you, understand your story.  That meant so much to me.  We are stronger together than apart.  Distance means nothing today.  I know all I have to do is ask and you will welcome me with open arms.

You never make me feel less than I am.  It is this I am the most grateful for.  And no matter what the problem is, you always know just what to do, somehow.  You don’t try to keep me in a box, but instead you try your best to give me the wings I need to fly.  I think you understand me more than I understand myself sometimes, and that makes me happy.  Unbelievably and undeniably happy.

I will be here for you always.  You know that.

Love, DC

HEAVEN IS HOME

I don’t know how certain people believe this life is all that there is.  We are made up of energy, and energy has to go somewhere at all times.  It cannot just dissipate – if it could, it would not be energy, but something else.  And we had to have come from somewhere, right?  So why not God?  Why not heaven?  The science of it would not exist without a beginning – if humans were already here to begin with.  It is nice to think we’re all related, one big happy family, traceable back to Adam and Eve.  I am not one to have a lot of patience when it comes to genealogy, but it is interesting to hear my grandfather talk about it.

I consider this world my temporary home.  There has to be more than pain and suffering, and it would be a beautiful thing to be reunited with the people we knew and loved but lost along the way.  This world gets us down more often than not, but I see a rainbow at the end of the storm.  We don’t belong here.  We belong with God.  We are here to make a difference, on loan.  We are here to fight for what is right, to love, to change things for the better.  Some people lose focus while we are here.  They become enamored with this world, and they think of death as the end of their existence.  But, oh, it’s only the beginning!

Heaven is home – no matter what happens to us in our lives, we will always have heaven.  It is some place beyond a veil so thin it’s amazing that we are very often unaware of that world.  Living people are surrounded by light and love, and by their loved ones on the other side.  It’s okay if you don’t believe it.   Everyone has the right to think for themselves, no matter what the collective world says.

I don’t know if it was my imagination or not, but last night, when I was reading in bed, I heard something that I should have not been able to hear because I did not have my hearing aids in:  screaming.  And no, I am not crazy and I wasn’t anywhere close to sleep when I heard it.  It was a long and shrill sound, and I heard it more than once.  I put down my book and held my breath for a minute before reaching up and putting my fingers in my ears.  Go away, please, whoever you are.  You’re scaring me.  I probably forgot the word please though.  Silence.  I tried to shrug it off, but the memory is still with me.  What was it?  What was the point of scaring me like that?  I don’t know.  The thing is, my dog, Buffy, did not react to the screaming at all.  Only I heard it.  It’s time for you to go home, whoever you are.  Maybe I am crazy after all.

Form Letter from NY Governor and Plan of Action

State of New York

EXECUTIVE CHAMBER

ANDREW CUOMO, GOVERNOR

Dear Ms. Cloakey,

Thank you for your recent letter.  To build a stronger, better New York, we need the participation of citizens like you – sharing your ideas, comments, and concerns.  Your input is invaluable to our mission to create a government that works for its people, and I appreciate you taking the time to contribute your feedback.

I want to assure you that your letter has been received and that it will be read and shared with the appropriate members of my staff.

I encourage you to visit my website, http://govenor.ny.gov where you can review my Administration’s initiatives and familiarize yourself with my office and YOUR state government.

Thank you for again for sharing your perspective and for joining in the effort to build a new New York.

Sincerely,

Andrew M. Cuomo

It is a start.  It is better than nothing, and it does state that my letter will be shared with others.  I hope that is the truth, and not just a platitude.  I am fighting for the kids, first and foremost, and they deserve so much more than platitudes.  They deserve LIFE.

Last night, I was plagued with awful dreams about pediatric cancer.  Bald little children, crying, throwing up, wires everywhere, loose hair in little hands.  Temper tantrums.  The images were just flashes, one right after another.  I could recognize everybody and nobody.  The impassive faces of doctors who delivered bad news to parents.  I woke up multiple times because it was so horrible, but then, when I fell back to sleep, it started up right where it left off.  Mothers with clenched fists and clenched hearts.  Fathers punching walls.  And the sound of screaming and crying.  It was endless.  Finally, I woke up and scrambled out of bed because I could not take anymore.  It’s reality for hundreds and thousands of families out there, I know.

What can be done?  More letters can be written.  I don’t care if my hand falls off, as long as the children get the funding and research they need…  As long as somethimg comes out of so many innocent lives lost.  The possibilities here are endless.  We are writing to governors now.  We can write to newspapers, senators, the President, the President’s wife.  We can write directly to the National Institute of Health, since they are the ones that dole out the research money.  I don’t know how it works, how they decide how much money to give, but only 3% of $3 billion is utterly ridiculous.  Especially when pediatric cancer is more prevalent than pediatric AIDS (which gets more).

We’re doing what we can at the moment.  Maybe someday soon, it will be more than writing letters.  Maybe someday, cancer be eradicated.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  I can imagine a better world for our children, a healthier world.  And if I can do it, so can you and everybody else.

Joshua 1:9: Courageous

I’ve always loved this Bible verse, ever since a friend wrote “Joshua 1:9″ after her signature in one of my high school yearbooks.  Back then, I hadn’t read the Bible cover to cover ( still haven’t, if I’m to be totally honest), so I had no idea what the verse actually said for the longest time.  But when I finally looked it up, I was like, “Whoa.”  It is encouragement at its purest.  How many times in my life had I felt totally alone?  And suddenly, there was this verse, telling me that God was and is always with me.  Courage has always sounded amazing to me, but I kept it at arm’s length for the longest time.  It was so much easier to break down than it was to be brave, so much easier to shut the world away and sit in darkness than it was to open the door and live.  I had so much to figure out when I was younger – I had to put the shattered pieces of who I was back together so that they’d fit and tell me who I was going to be.  It was quite the journey, and guess what?  I’m still on it because the journey is called “life.”

Now, I don’t have any choice.  I have to stand up.  No other child should have to go through what I did, and maybe that is part of the reason why things were the way they were for me.  So I can fight to change things.  God gave me the gift of writing for a reason, I know.  I had to be able to communicate in some way, right?  If I couldn’t write, I’d still be locked up in my own little world, unable to express myself.  I may not be free in many ways, but I am in the only way that really counts.

Lots of times, people take the good things in their lives for granted, and so I am asking you to take a step or two back and look at your blessings.  Which one is the most important one to you, and tell me why!