Getting Brave

What is it about me, in general?  Why am I here?  Most of the time, I feel so small, like I can’t possibly make a difference.  My speech impediment surely hinders me from getting out there in the world and taking a stand.  When thoughts like these come, I can’t help but wonder what God’s purpose for me is.  Then I look at my left hand. I look at my laptop, at the keyboard.  And I think, again, that I can do this.  There’s a reason for everything, and even if sometimes I don’t understand, God does, and that is good enough for me.

My life is about something bigger than just me.  I figured that out a long time ago, in high school, I think.  But sometimes I forget.  Sometimes, I admit, I feel sorry for myself.  After all, who wouldn’t, if they were in my shoes?  Who wouldn’t want to just crawl under a rock and hide?  And possibly die?  It’s safe under that rock.  No one judges me. But then, nothing changes either.

When I think about tomorrow, about next year, five years from now, I freeze.  And I thank God I don’t have the ability to see into the future like He does, because I would be so scared I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.  So I just live today.  This moment.  Yes, my life is about much more than this moment, about more than just my feelings.  I just go with that.

I am graced with something so many others don’t have – time.  Sometimes I am brave enough to tap into the power of the moment, and other times, I hesitate.  Time disappears.  Longing and despair suffocate me.  The number one question is HOW?  How am I going to do what I have to do?  Anxiety is an old enemy.  I can’t seem to shake it.  Depression comes.  How do I get out of it?  God is silent.  He wants me to figure it out for myself.  I wish He would point me in the right direction.  But maybe I am on the right track now.  Maybe that is why I don’t hear anything.  God is holding his breath, going, “Yes, yes, yes, you’re getting there.  Yes!”

Is it up to me?  Do I hold the intangible key?  The ultimate power, is it within me?  Has it been all along, and I’ve only just now beginning to realize it?



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