What is it about me, in general? Why am I here? Most of the time, I feel so small, like I can’t possibly make a difference. My speech impediment surely hinders me from getting out there in the world and taking a stand. When thoughts like these come, I can’t help but wonder what God’s purpose for me is. Then I look at my left hand. I look at my laptop, at the keyboard. And I think, again, that I can do this. There’s a reason for everything, and even if sometimes I don’t understand, God does, and that is good enough for me.
My life is about something bigger than just me. I figured that out a long time ago, in high school, I think. But sometimes I forget. Sometimes, I admit, I feel sorry for myself. After all, who wouldn’t, if they were in my shoes? Who wouldn’t want to just crawl under a rock and hide? And possibly die? It’s safe under that rock. No one judges me. But then, nothing changes either.
When I think about tomorrow, about next year, five years from now, I freeze. And I thank God I don’t have the ability to see into the future like He does, because I would be so scared I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. So I just live today. This moment. Yes, my life is about much more than this moment, about more than just my feelings. I just go with that.
I am graced with something so many others don’t have – time. Sometimes I am brave enough to tap into the power of the moment, and other times, I hesitate. Time disappears. Longing and despair suffocate me. The number one question is HOW? How am I going to do what I have to do? Anxiety is an old enemy. I can’t seem to shake it. Depression comes. How do I get out of it? God is silent. He wants me to figure it out for myself. I wish He would point me in the right direction. But maybe I am on the right track now. Maybe that is why I don’t hear anything. God is holding his breath, going, “Yes, yes, yes, you’re getting there. Yes!”
Is it up to me? Do I hold the intangible key? The ultimate power, is it within me? Has it been all along, and I’ve only just now beginning to realize it?