Getting Brave

What is it about me, in general?  Why am I here?  Most of the time, I feel so small, like I can’t possibly make a difference.  My speech impediment surely hinders me from getting out there in the world and taking a stand.  When thoughts like these come, I can’t help but wonder what God’s purpose for me is.  Then I look at my left hand. I look at my laptop, at the keyboard.  And I think, again, that I can do this.  There’s a reason for everything, and even if sometimes I don’t understand, God does, and that is good enough for me.

My life is about something bigger than just me.  I figured that out a long time ago, in high school, I think.  But sometimes I forget.  Sometimes, I admit, I feel sorry for myself.  After all, who wouldn’t, if they were in my shoes?  Who wouldn’t want to just crawl under a rock and hide?  And possibly die?  It’s safe under that rock.  No one judges me. But then, nothing changes either.

When I think about tomorrow, about next year, five years from now, I freeze.  And I thank God I don’t have the ability to see into the future like He does, because I would be so scared I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.  So I just live today.  This moment.  Yes, my life is about much more than this moment, about more than just my feelings.  I just go with that.

I am graced with something so many others don’t have – time.  Sometimes I am brave enough to tap into the power of the moment, and other times, I hesitate.  Time disappears.  Longing and despair suffocate me.  The number one question is HOW?  How am I going to do what I have to do?  Anxiety is an old enemy.  I can’t seem to shake it.  Depression comes.  How do I get out of it?  God is silent.  He wants me to figure it out for myself.  I wish He would point me in the right direction.  But maybe I am on the right track now.  Maybe that is why I don’t hear anything.  God is holding his breath, going, “Yes, yes, yes, you’re getting there.  Yes!”

Is it up to me?  Do I hold the intangible key?  The ultimate power, is it within me?  Has it been all along, and I’ve only just now beginning to realize it?

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Getting Brave

I'd love to know what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s