One of these days, I am going to take the plunge. I promise. But first, I think I got to get used to writing everyday again. When nobody’s making you do something, it’s really hard to do it. Especially when so many other things speak to you. The dog wants to play. Oh, I better check facebook. I’m hungry. Oh, facebook again. I better get caught up on hulu. Christmas is coming so I have to figure out what I am going to get everyone. I better… anything but write. It’s exasperating, I tell you.
There’s this girl who lives in my head. Her name is Larkin. Isn’t that a beautiful name? I think so. She wants me to tell her story. Her age is undetermined at the moment, but I know her story almost as well as my own. You’d think it would be easy peasy to write down. But there’s more. Larkin can communicate with her guardian angel, who is in human form. Or, that’s just what I’m thinking right now.
Larkin, Larkin, Larkin. I eat, breathe, and sleep her. And yet, I can’t seem to get anything permanent about her down. She’s forever changing. I think she’s me and I am her, but then she surprises me, by taking charge. This is good. I wish she’d be in charge all the time. She’s frightened, as I am. Of what, I am slowly figuring out.
Afraid of putting Larkin out there for the world to reject? Yes. Afraid that neither of us are strong enough to see it through to the end? Yes. Afraid that I won’t be able to deal with what comes AFTER the novel is written? For I know that once her story is written, she will leave me in the way that matters. I’ll miss her. I’ll mourn for her.
Being a writer is a lot like having schizophrenia. All these voices inside my head. “Ah, yes, I am a thirty-year-old writer with an invisible friend. How do you like that?” Part of me knows that once Larkin leaves, somebody else will take her place. But what if no one does? What if I’m destined to be a one-book-author, like Harper Lee? There’s gotta be more to it than that.
Please help me give you your voice. Please help me see your guardian angel as you do. Talk to me, baby. I believe in you. You’ve just gotta trust me. We can do this together.