I’ll try to make this list. It’s a prompt, and I don’t really see what the point is, publicly announcing what I am afraid to write about. Wouldn’t my readers BEG me to write about such things if I admit them?
I can refuse, yes. I don’t HAVE to write anything I am uncomfortable with. But… here we go.
1. My middle school years. Awful, awful memories. This is part of the reason why I want Larkin (made-up character who lives in my head for now) to be able to see and communicate with her guardian angel. Maybe if she has someone visible on her side, she will not have too tough a time. I did not have anyone, really, back then. To talk to. Other than my parents, of course. And I didn’t want to talk to them. I was growing up. I had to find my own way. Even if that meant doing it the hard way.
2. Anything that is not mine to tell – not a part of MY story. I wouldn’t write about anything that wasn’t mine to share without express, personal permission. Anything personal that is not mine. I don’t want to lose anybody here. I wouldn’t write about anything that I was not comfortable putting out there. Period.
3. Politics. I don’t know anything, really, about them. Why would I write about something I don’t know? I’ll leave the politics to the politicians and political blogs. It just doesn’t jibe with who I am as a person. I am very non-confrontational. Ask anyone who knows me. I don’t like to fight. It doesn’t mean that I will not fight when provoked (or inspired by childhood cancer) but I will not fight about politics. If you insist on talking about them with me, you’ll only get half of my attention, if that.
4. Anything that might cause you to judge me. Anything really controversial, like Casey Anthony or something. I try to avoid major conflicts when I can. At the same time, I realize that I am putting myself out there to be judged, and that people will eventually form their own opinions of me. It won’t all be nice. It won’t all be encouraging. All I can do is put my best self out there for the world to see (and judge… although that isn’t the world’s job, it hasn’t stopped from judging and expressing unsolicited opinions and advice). I know the price of what I am doing and for the most part, I am okay with being criticized. I am only human, after all. I am not perfect, nor claim to be. But I will not openly seek out criticism. Except from book publishers. Eventually.
Isn’t four things enough, or do you really have to bleed me for #5? Okay, okay. Number 5….
5. My fears about life after I send a manuscript out and it is bought by a publisher (hey, at least I am thinking positively here!) – there won’t be any going back. Dozens and dozens of fears, most of which will never happen. Isn’t that right? Over half of the things you worry about never happen? I have never been really humiliated before, not really (although there was this one time at camp the summer after seventh grade… Oh, I should stop. Middle school. Terrible. Awful). Humiliation is the key fear I have. I will not make an idea that probably would never happen permanent. I will not put it out there. I have a strong faith in God, and He will take care of everything. He knows what’s going to happen in my future. And because of that, it will be all right.
I’ll tell you one fear I have, a true fear. The quote at the top of this post says it all: I am terrified of not existing. Of being forgotten. Of not making a difference. Of not leaving the world a better place than it was before I was born. I want to leave something behind, a legacy of sorts. The only way I can see of doing that is by writing, getting published, living the life I’ve always dreamed of. Not one of anonymity. I refuse to be a statistic. I am more than a number. I am more than fragile. My soul is eternal, even if my body’s weak. But I want to leave my mark. Somewhere. Someway. Something to say I was here. Something permanent. And, maybe, if I am really, really, really lucky, my something-permanent will change things,