I remember when I was little and used to imagine that you were my twin, trapped behind glass. Your every movement mirrored mine, and sometimes I would get overexcited and try to avoid seeing you, because I thought if I did, you would do something independent of me. That freaked me out to no end. I still avoid looking into your eyes sometimes because I don’t like what I see there. The sadness is too much for me. I like the fire and the hope, but sometimes you get so heavy with sadness that I cannot bear to actually see it. I know when it happens, even without you. I get quiet. My heart is heavy. Nothing makes me happy. This is such an awful world to live in sometimes, but it still has God’s hand on it. If it didn’t, I think it would shatter into a gazillion pieces. He holds it together. He holds me together.
You tell me no lies. I love and hate you for that. When I am by myself, lost in my own world, it is easy to forget my physical challenges. I hear the voice in my head and it’s clear and strong, though coming at me a thousand miles per minute, with every beat of my heart. But you show me the truth – it’s through you and through the eyes of others that I really see myself how I actually am, and sometimes it’s too much. I have to get away, but I don’t really know how other than crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head. But the world is not going to be better off if I hide all the time. The hardest thing to to in this world is to live in it. Press on – that is all I can do. Because anything else is completely unacceptable. I have to be strong while I’m weak. It’s the only way.
There is more I could say, but I don’t want this to be a novel…