A Broken Hallelujah Part 1

  I didn’t understand for the longest time why I was the way I was.  I think that is why I curled up into myself, trying to protect the one thing I thought I could protect: my heart.  But it was already broken.  I think it broke when my body did, after my cancer battle, after the encephalitis broke my body.  I am all right now, with the brokenness, because I know that where I am weak, He is strong. But of course, I had to learn that the hard way. My whole childhood was a process of grieving a life I would never have again.

1.  DENIAL/ISOLATION

My elementary school years were spent in a haze of denial, and probably, the same can be said about my middle school years.  From preschool to maybe fourth grade, I didn’t really think about the fact that I was different than the other kids.  I was young, and they were too, and they were more accepting of me back then.  By fifth grade though, they started to ignore me.  And sometimes, at recess, the boys would tease me so that I would start chasing them just to get them away from me.  And they would laugh.  At me.  I had  a walker (still do), and so I think the other kids didn’t really associate me as being one of them.  I was the “weird” one.  I did not have feelings.

But of course, they were wrong.  Of course, I had feelings.  And of course, they were easily hurt.

But, oh, I had friends, both real and imaginary.  I hung out at school with a couple girls, and we had a very messy relationship.  I don’t want to get into details, but you know how girls are.  I started crying every single day.  I didn’t understand anything, and probably understood everything I needed to at the time.  I knew I’d never fit in.  It was not okay.  And it would never be okay.  I would never accept it, at least not until the last two years of high school, when I gave up on the majority of my peers.  They mostly ignored my pleas for friendship for years, and I was left out of everything. So finally, I was like, fine, be like that.  And I thought, one day.  That’s all.  One day.

My “real” friends back then were fictional ones.  Mary, Dickon, and Collin from The Secret Garden.  Sara and Becky from A Little Princess.  Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy from Little Women.  And then I had the girls from The Babysitters Club series:  Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne, Stacey, Dawn, Mallory, and Jessie.  Anne from Anne of Green Gables.  Laura from The Little House on the Prairie.  You know, those types of friends, the ones who could never hurt me.

2 and 3.  Anger and Bargaining

Many, many, many times during my childhood, I tried to make “deals” with God, or the entity that was my idea of God.  I was raised in the Catholic church, and usually spent Sunday services eyeing the Crucifix above the altar with a mixture of fear and disgust.  Fear because oh my gosh, there was a dead body on the cross and everyone else seems to think it is normal!  Disgust because if He knew what was going to happen to Him, why didn’t He do anything about it?  Couldn’t He have just hidden from His enemies?  I really didn’t understand why He died, why He choose to die.  He could have just slipped from their grasp, right?  He could have run away.  Like I did, and kept doing, over and over.

I’ve always identified the most with the Bible story of Jesus raising the little girl from the dead, like from the minute I heard it or read it, whichever it was.  I tried to reconcile that Jesus with the terrifying one in my head, and I just couldn’t do it.  I remember waking up, drenched in sweat, in the middle of the night, from a dream, nightmare, really. In that nightmare, I was alone in the church, and it was dark except for candlelight, which was everywhere.  I heard something, like wood breaking, and then I saw it.  Him.  I saw Him.  He was flesh and bone, not like He was on the cross, where He was ceramic or whatever he was made of, porcelain, etc.  AND HE WAS COMING FOR ME.  Bleeding profusely from His wounds.  I could see a trail of blood behind Him.  My heart was in my throat.  I couldn’t scream even if I wanted to.  I couldn’t move at first, frozen by terror, and then I could.  I raced to the door, but it held fast.  I was trapped.  That was when I woke up.

Since having that dream, I’ve always wondered what would have happened if He had caught me.  Back then, I thought He was going to hurt me, even kill me, and that is why my survival instinct took over.   That is why I ran.  Interesting thing:  In my dreams, most of them at least, I am free from the limitations of my physical body.  This is how I see myself most of the time.  My dreams are a manifestation of that.  Of course, I know now, that if Jesus had caught me in my dream, He probably would have just pulled me toward Him in an embrace.  He probably would have whispered comforting things in my ear. You aren’t alone.  I’m here.  But I guess I wasn’t ready to hear it.  I fought it.  I fought Him.  There wasn’t much I had control over, and there still isn’t, but this is the one thing I had total control.  I don’t know.  Maybe I liked feeling sorry for myself.  Maybe I liked being angry.  My anger gave me something to focus on, and I held on to it with all my strength.  I kept asking why.  Why am I like this?  If You loved me, then You would heal me.  I know You can heal me.  I want to be healed.  When I wake up tomorrow, I want to be healed.  Please.  There is nothing I want more.

But I woke up with the same body, the same problems I had the day before.  And I said:  FORGET YOU, JESUS.  I was so mad.  So disappointed.  So heartbroken.  I did not understand that wasn’t how Jesus worked…

3.  DEPRESSION

The earliest stages of grief are tied up with each other, My childhood was full of denial, bargaining, and depression.  I was a little ball of anger.  And then, I saw a picture in my first photo album… the ones that had pictures of me from birth to after the encephalitis.  There aren’t many of me in the hospital – who wants to remember that?  But there is one that spoke to me…  it is one of me, holding hands with another little girl.  I only know she’s a girl by the caption:  “The Smiley Sisters: Missy and Danielle.”  We are more or less bald and wearing hospital pajamas, footie sleepers, holding hands, and emphatically NOT smiling.  In fact, we look miserable, like we were lost.  I asked my mom about it once.  She said the nurses at Seattle Children’s called us that because, despite that picture, whenever we were together, Missy and I always smiled.  So much.  The picture doesn’t do our friendship justice.  Missy was my first friend who wasn’t part of my family, who wasn’t a cousin.  And then…  and then I had to ask my mom what happened to Missy.  I already knew she’d had some form of leukemia.  My mom looked me in the eyes, and told me, “Honey, she died.  Not too long after that picture was taken.”

I didn’t know I could break anymore than I already was broken, but I did break more then.  One thing I’ve learned in my 31 years is that there are no limits to how much you can break.

Just like there aren’t any limits to how much you can heal…

I think my depression really began before that moment of truth, though.  I think it began in the moments in which my first scoliosis brace was being made.  I was 9 or 10, and these people who were supposed to be helping me had me lay down on a stretcher just had a thin strip of material down the middle, and empty spaces on either side.  I was so scared of falling, despite the fact that these people said they wouldn’t let me fall.  Where were you, Jesus, when I was so scared?  I felt so vulnerable and I cried and tried to fight.  My philosophy back then?  Always go down fighting.  And so I fought.  But I was no match for them.  No match for the hot plaster they tried to suffocate me with (not really).  I was just a little girl.  So helpless.  So scared.  So confused.

I don’t even remember hearing the word “scoliosis” until much later, much, much later.  Like in high school.  I’d had back surgery in November of my eighth grade year.  I knew pain.  I knew the embarrassment and awkwardness that came with wearing a back brace.  I hated it all.  If wishes were punches, then my troubles would have been punched.  HARD.  I was finally allowed to shed the brace in the winter of my freshman year of high school, and it was so freeing.  But my back problems were not over. They followed me into adulthood.  I had only a partial spine fusion in 1995.  They only did the bottom half, and over time, because it was a temporary solution, it began to break down.  I was in constant pain the year after I graduated from college, and the more active I was, the more the pain intensified.  Finally, I had surgery to repair the areas that were wearing down.  I thought I knew pain, but boy, was I wrong.

My first night home from the hospital, I felt something drop, or give away, inside of me, and then I felt a burning sensation in my leg.  I didn’t know how bad it would be until the next morning, when I tried to get out of bed. On the pain scale of 1 to 10, it was a 20.  Seriously.  I wanted to die.  I begged God to take me.  I screamed and cried multiple times a day, for 4 weeks straight, through 2 rounds of steroids.  The steroids only helped on the first days I took them, when the dosage was the highest.  I lost 10 pounds, weight I couldn’t really afford to lose.  The diagnosis?  Pinched nerve.  My doctor told me that he had only 60% chance of fixing me (no burning pain) with a second surgery.  The problem was, everything he had done in the surgery before was now loose inside me, and I know now he was afraid that my pain was permanent.  But thank GOD ALMIGHTY it wasn’t.  I wouldn’t be a functional human being today if it was permanent. I have a very low pain tolerance – it’s so low I can’t even claim to have any pain tolerance at all.

That was a dark time… a time of testing.  I dunno whether I failed or passed.  It is either/or at this point.  I do know that I am human, and where I thought I could not handle that level of pain, God knew I could…  because He knew what I was made of…  Because HE made me…

TO BE CONTINUED.

November Gratitude List Part 2

11.  I am thankful for our veterans, because without their selflessness, their sacrifices, their commitment, and their bravery, we could not live the lives we do.  We would not be free.  Freedom isn’t free.  It comes at a price, and often, that price is one of blood.

12.  I am thankful for the fact that, even though every now and then, we have natural disasters like the recent Hurricane Sandy, we can pull together and help one other.  Just letting someone know that you are there for them does wonders for the soul, yours and theirs.

13.  I am VERY thankful that the 2012 presidential election is over (praise the good Lord in Heaven!), and I pray for President Obama…  that he will accomplish everything he has said he will do and will say he will do.  I pray that he will be a strong source of change for the better, and won’t be hampered by those who refuse to believe in him.  The rest is in God’s hands.

14. I am thankful for the good things that are headed my way, for I know that they are coming.  God has said, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)  Because of that, I will face the bad stuff with my head held high and NEGU.

15.  I am thankful, so thankful, for music, and I am beyond grateful that I am able to hear it.  Life is kinda like a musical for me (like Glee or The Sound of Music).  There is always, always, always a song in my head.  Never a quiet moment!

16.  I am thankful for food, shelter, clothing, basic necessities that I often take for granted.  I am trying to eat better, take more vitamins (really bad about that, unless I am on a streak, but my friend Jennifer B is right…  I do need to get better at taking vitamins.  Don’t want to get a deficiency of any kind and I will have more energy if I just take the stinkin’ vitamins, so, yep, thankful for vitamins!), and trying to clean ALL the things (thanks Hyperbole and a Half for that phrase, use it all the time now) more often.

17.  I am thankful for each day as it comes, because the truth is, I am so lucky to be alive.  God knows what he is doing with my life, and that is good enough for me.  Once upon a time, it wasn’t, and I demanded to know why, and when He was silent, I turned away from Him.  But I was led back to Him…  all roads lead home, no matter where I am.

18.  I am thankful for entertainment (TV, books, movies/dvds), for it is a great distraction, and takes me out of my world for awhile.  I need that for a little while each day.  I need to escape.  I need a little fiction mixed in with the reality, a little fantasy.  I need to worry about made-up problems for a while, get lost in another world.  It is because of this I have no interest in reality shows.

19.  I am thankful for the simple things that make life bearable when it is unbearable – pain relievers, coffee, hugs, words of encouragement, the comfort and security of my bed, the knowledge that I am loved and that I am fully capable of loving in return.  Also, body butter, to which I have just been re-introduced.  Ever since my last back surgery, my back itches endlessly, and I have gotten to the point where I am used to it, it doesn’t bother me.  My aunt Lisa gave me some body butter for my birthday, and ohmygosh! I could tell the difference. Instant relief.

20.  I am thankful for all the earth angels in my life, the people who lend a helping hand, who smile at me, who hug me, and make me feel safe and loved.  The ones who say the encouraging words I so need to hear, the ones who let me love on THEM.  And the ones from afar, the ones I have yet to meet in person.  I am thankful for you all.  Please know that even if we don’t meet on this side of life, we will meet in Heaven without a doubt.

November Gratitude List Part 1

 

I started a gratitude list on Facebook yesterday.  The deal is to list something you are grateful for every single day this month, but because I probably won’t remember some days, I am posting them all here, in 3 separate posts.  So here goes!

1.  I am thankful I can offer hope to other families when I tell them I am a stage 4 neuroblastoma survivor. There is nothing like hope, I tell you.  It is what inspires us to NEGU.  Childhood cancer advocating is a large part of what I was born to do.

2.  I am thankful that I was born into one of the BEST families out there (and yes, I’m kinda biased).  I have so many treasured memories!  My family never ever gave up on me, and I know that they will continue to never ever give up.  Because of that, I will NEGU either.

3.  I am thankful for my friends…  old and new.  You guys make my world go round!  There are too many of you to name, so I won’t even attempt to because of the risk of forgetting some of you, but you know who you are.  The love of my biological family and my adopted family (my friends) will always be one of the very best parts of me.

4.  I am thankful for the support and love of the close-knit childhood cancer community on Facebook, which welcomed me as an advocate and a survivor with open arms.  We NEGU for the kids.

5.  I am thankful the warmth of my home and for the coldness of the season (and the next) which just makes me appreciate the warmth even more.  Hot chocolate, my mom’s homemade soups and sweet treats, and warm, comfortable clothes make the cold tolerable.  Ha.

6.  I am thankful I live in United States of America and for the fact that I am free and capable of making up my own mind about things.  No one has the right to tell me that I am wrong, and if they do, so what?  I know who I am, and what I stand for, and that’s all that matters.

7.  I am thankful for my little dog, even though she thinks my bed is HERS.  I love it when she lays her head on my leg/ ankle/foot/whatever it may be.  The joy of having a dog, especially this dog, is indescribable.  Her company is priceless to me.  I even love waking up to find that she is edging me out of bed – because it means that she’s there and I’m not alone.  She just wants to be close to me.  She knows she is loved!

8. I am thankful for the gift of my lil niece, Miss Aliza.  She’s growing up so fast, and is so smart and funny and beautiful.  She helps me look at the world from a different perspective (that of a child) than mine.  Children have a tendency to remind us what is really important, and I pray that I’ll never forget the lessons Aliza teaches me.  Being her aunt is one of the greatest blessings of my life, and I cannot wait to meet whoever comes along next!

9.  I am thankful for the fact that, even though we hurt so much in this life, there is also great healing too.  In the end, everything will be okay.  If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.  Sometimes, the healing is not on this side of life, but in Heaven.  And that’s okay.  I am also grateful for the knowledge that, no matter how much I don’t understand it, God does NOT give children cancer.  He does NOT give anyone cancer or any other disease.  He allows it, that is true, but we just have to trust He has his reasons.  Perhaps that reason is so we could be at a certain place at a certain time.  We won’t know in this lifetime.  When we all get to heaven, this life will seem like a dream compared to eternity with everyone we love and will love in our lifetimes.  As little Starla Chapman said, “Just trust.”

10.  I am thankful for God’s plan, because even though I may not see what He sees or know what He knows, everything that is going to happen is happening on His terms, not mine.  If He just left me alone to deal with things by myself, I would not be here today.  I truly believe that.  He has GRACE and I have GRATITUDE, and it’s all going to be fine in the end.  I’ve surrendered my heart and I’m trusting.  That said, I don’t have any idea how anyone can look at the messes this world makes and not believe in something better, in a perfect place where everything is as it should be.  THIS can’t be all there is.  We have to be more than what we already are, because if there’s nothing else after this, there is no reason to get out of bed and do the same things we did the day before.  If there is nothing else after this, then hope dies.  And hope never dies.  It can’t…  because if it did, it wouldn’t be hope.

Let Love Explode

I absolutely love this song by the Newsboys – “God’s Not Dead (Like a Lion).”  I think of Him up there, or around us, and I feel assured that He’s got this – my fight, your fight, everyone’s fight.  Jesus loves the little children, yes He does, and He will win this war against childhood cancer.  I know He is the force behind TheTruth365 movement, and I know it will be a success because I’ve put it in His Hands.  I’ve done my part, and will keep doing my part, but that is all I can do.

It is His job to wake people up to the harsh realities of childhood cancer.  He is the spark, the flame, the wildfire.

It is His job to be the Lion.  Like Aslan in C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, He is with us in this battle.  He will die for us a million times over if it meant we would be safe.

It is our job to listen to that still, small voice whispering in our hearts.  God knows what He is doing even if we do not see the reasons.  God is patient and He is good and He is strong.  Stronger than we could ever hope to be on our own.  We just have to trust, just have to believe.  Everything will be okay in the end.

I understand how it might be hard for some people to believe in a God who would allow children to suffer.  But, as we all know, this life is only temporary, no matter which way you look at it.  And everything was perfect in the beginning.  I am reminded of a quote I once read in a novel co-authored by one of my favorite singers LeAnn Rimes, We are so far from God, who do you think moved?  God didn’t move.  He wouldn’t.  He couldn’t.  He loves us too much to leave us alone even for a second.  And if we let Him, God will help us heal.  He doesn’t force anything on us – He waits ever so patiently for us to come to Him.

There are signs everywhere – signs of His love.  Watch for them.  The sun warming your face, the birds chirping, a pet or a child to snuggle, a rainbow in the sky, or even a thunderstorm, the flight of a butterfly….  I could go on and on and on.  This world is big and dangerous and heartbreaking – true – but it is also beautiful because God and God alone made it.

I know there is a God because I am alive, I am here, and I am stronger than I’ve ever been before, fighting the world for Him and in Him.  Of course, it would be easy for Him to proclaim, “THERE WILL BE NO MORE CANCER!”  And sometimes, I don’t understand why He doesn’t.  If He wanted that little girl or that little boy, he should have never sent them in the first place.  But what do I know?  There would be no fire to be put out if the children who are gone from this life did not exist.  

So, let us go forth, and let our love explode…

And this makes 3

On Wednesday, I got the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers award from Cheri over at Idle Chatter.  Thank you, Cheri, for spreading the love my way! This Ultimate Blog Challenge month has been a true delight, because I got not one, not two, but three blog awards (Fabulous Blog Ribbon, Sunshine Award, and now this one).  And to think I almost didn’t do this one for a number of reasons (it’s summer, my best friend got married in San Diego, family reunion weekend going on right now, but psssh, I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with God’s help).

Sisterhood Rules

• thank the giver of the award
• post 7 things about yourself
• Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and let them know they have been nominated
• Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog

7 things about me

1. The last movie I watched was “Beezus and Ramona.”  I know, so babyish!  But Sandra Oh was in it, and to my great surprise and delight, so was Ginnifer Goodwin.  Love, love, love, love her!
2. I am slightly more than a little bit obsessed with The Vampire Diaries (the TV show, not the books).  I LOVE Ian Somerhalder.  He is sooo fine.  Paul Wesley, meh.  He is too much like Edward Cullen for his own good.  I also LOVE the idea of sunlight rings, waaaay better than the idea of sparkly vamps.  Really, Stephenie Meyer?
3. In Sue Grafton’s alphabet PI novels, the narrator, Kinsley, eats peanut butter and pickle sandwiches.  I have made these sandwiches (never thought of the combo before) and LOVE them.  The things I do because of reading…
4. When I was a child, I thought the words “healthy” and “wealthy” mean the same thing (healthy).  Found out the hard way that they don’t (was laughed at).
5. I freaking love fairytales and musicals.  I want Chris Colfer’s book “The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell” sooooooooo bad.  Chris Colfer is awesomer (or more awesome) for writing it while doing Glee.  He did TWO things at the same time!  So what if he wrote the book for kids?  I still want it.
6. My anthem is “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John (from the movie “Xanadu”).  My favorite song ever – it is so versatile:  it is originally a  muse singing to her charge, but it can also be seen as being sung by a guardian angel or God.  “Magic” is my happy song.  Come take my hand, you should know me, I’ve always been in your mind you know I’ll be kind, I will be guiding you….
7. The best piece of advice I have ever gotten came from 12 year old Jessica Joy Rees, who passed away in January from two inoperable brain tumors – DIPG.  Her advice?  Never Ever Give Up (NEGU).  I didn’t know Jessie personally, but I’ll always carry her memory and her beautiful spirit in my heart.

The 7 women I pass this on to

• Nicole Beltane, The Beltane Daily
• Katrina Davies Hutchesson, Kat’s Place
• Linda J. Vaughan, Musings from my Heart
• Sara Hardiaris, Recovery Corner
• Tammie and Alessa, Carolina HeartStrings
• Suzy Que, Someday, Somewhere
• Lynne Ahrens, Tili Peninsula

 

Things I am Confident About

Confidence is important because it is what allows you to be the best possible “you” you can be.  After all, who can you trust if you cannot trust yourself?  Me…  I wasn’t always as confident as I am now, but yesterday does not matter anymore, does it?  I love reading lists other people make on their blogs, and I love making lists, so when I came across this prompt, I knew I had to do it.  As you read this list, I hope it resonates with you as well.

I am confident that I love.  When I love somebody, I look her/him at through God’s eyes.

That is how everyone should love.  When this world was created, there was no hate, no disease, no wars, etc.  The world is what it is because we made it that way.  Have we learned our lesson?  I hope so.  I know I have.  I don’t want to hurt anyone, ever.  I am human, though, and I do make mistakes.

I am confident that I am loved.  How else could I have made it this far if I wasn’t?

I’d be nothing today if I wasn’t loved.  I was blessed with a loving family who nurtured me and encouraged me to be all God created me to be.  I am not quite there yet, but I’m on my way.  I am also blessed with the most amazing friends on this planet.  I know that, no matter what, I’ll never ever be truly alone.

Philippians 1:6 – I am confident that he who began a good work in me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

God will not give up on me because it is not in his nature.  When I fall, I look to him to help me up.  And when I succeed, I praise him, because he has made my success possible.  He strengthens me when I am weak, and for that, I am so grateful. I find that I am weak more than I am strong, but he causes me to be strong when it counts the most.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Everything is falling into place.  I know now that everything happens for a reason, even if we cannot see the reason behind everything that happens at the times they are happening.  We just have to trust, work with God through our insecurities, and eventually we will come out the other side.  God’s way is better.  Always.

Not to sound cliquey, but the best is yet to be.

You either believe or you don’t.  Personally, I find it pretty puzzling when people tell me that they don’t believe in God.  Just look at this world.  Everything you see, every bit of suffering here, is here because man is stubborn and didn’t (still doesn’t) think he needs God.  If this world was all there is, I’d be pretty disappointed.  Heartbroken, even.  Inconsolable.  I choose to believe in Heaven, a perfect Garden of Eden.  It’s man’s fault that the world is the way it is.  But with Jesus, we are given a chance to redeem ourselves.   We have a shot at paradise.  It will be the very best that God has to offer us, because we will no longer be separated from him.

I believe that God does not want us to suffer.  He does not spend his time trying to think of ways to make us miserable.  If he did, he wouldn’t be God.  Satan is the great Enemy.  He’s the one that we should turn our backs on, not God.  He’s the reason why there is so much bad in this world.  He’s the reason why some children do not get to grow up, why there is so much suffering in the world.

I think people spend so much time thinking about God that they forget that there is someone else…  someone who lurks and does not have our best interests in mind.  Someone who wants to permanently separate us from God.  But there is someone, and his name is Satan.  Remember him?  He is not a god, just a fallen angel; therefore, he isn’t equal to God, nor is he God’s opposite.  He has limited power, which is why he needs us to do his dirty work for him.  When you hear him start to whisper, you can tell him to knock it off, to go away.  We are children of God – we are all made by God – and Satan has no claim on us, no matter how much he tries to convince us he does.

The Sign of the Butterfly

Logging on to Facebook this morning, I saw something that took my breath away.  Ava Gioe, a five year old girl battling DIPG (brain stem cancer) passed away early this morning.  She had been fighting since November 2010.  Her passing was inevitable, because there is a ZERO percent cure rate.  DIPG tumors are inoperable, so Ava’s doctors could offer her family no hope.  She’d had a stroke, which was very scary, as you can probably imagine.  How many four year olds have strokes?  She was in a coma for weeks, and then she woke up and started recovering movement on her left side.  Her tumor grew, and her parents were told to take her home and “get ready.”  Get ready for what?  For her death?  Who prepares for the death of a four year old?  And then a miracle:  her tumor shrunk a little all by itself.  Since then, she had been on an experimental drug.  And now, she is gone…

She loved butterflies, and I thought the above image was fitting for her.  I can only imagine what Heaven looks like, but I like to think of Ava healthy, whole, running, jumping, trying to catch butterflies.  In my head, I picture her as before she fell ill, and she’s laughing.  This is what I choose to believe, because what else could there be?  Fly high, sweet Ava.  You did get your miracle, even though your mommy and daddy and brother and other loved ones are in such pain right now.  You couldn’t be cured on earth, so you are cured in Heaven.  I know you are still here, in your own way.  Your mommy has already received a sign – a pink butterfly pendant in her driveway.   Someone was wearing it around her neck as a way to honor you, but all day long, the chain was coming undone and finally, the pendent disappeared.  It was you, wasn’t it?  You wanted your mommy to have the butterfly.  You wanted her to know that you are all right, that you are as free as a butterfly now.  Mission accomplished, baby girl.

I pray for the Gioes, their extended family and friends as they grief, that the Lord’s merciful hand be upon them, and uphold them when they cannot stand alone.  I know they aren’t the only ones grieving, as there are hundreds upon hundreds of other families in the same boat, and there will be more tomorrow and the next day and the next.  I do not know what God’s plan is here, but I do know that he is Love.  He does not give children cancer.  Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind:  “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We are more than this world says we are.  The earth may define and limit us for a short time, but we were made for so much more than we can ever imagine.  1 Corinthians 2:9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.”  We just have to trust…

What if?

The following poem is by an anonymous writer:

What if God couldn’t take the time to bless us today because we couldn’t take the time to thank him yesterday?

What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we didn’t follow him today?

What if we never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when God sent the rain?

What if God didn’t walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as his day?

What if God took the Bible away tomorrow because we would not read it today?

What if God took away his message because we failed to listen to his messenger?

What if God didn’t send his only begotten son because he wanted us to prepare to pay the price of sin?

What if God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for others?

What if God would not hear us today because we would not listen to him yesterday?

What if God answered our prayers the way we answered his call to serve?

What if God met our needs the way we give him our lives?

 

I think this writer has a point per line.  What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we thanked God for yesterday?  What if God gave up on us because we ignored him?  What if God took away the sun and the moon and stars and rain and left us in the dark with no hope?  What if we saw no beauty because we complained about the ugliness of the world too much?  What if God left us alone?  What if we didn’t have his Word?  What if heaven closed itself off to us because we are selfish and only care about ourselves?  What if, when we die, that is really the end of us?  What if God treated us the way we treated others?  What if God refused to hear our prayers and answer them because we refused to listen to him?  What if God met some of our needs while ignoring our other needs?

The answer to all those questions is a simple one.  If all those what-ifs were true, then He wouldn’t truly be God.  And without God, this world would be an even bigger mess than it is today.  I refuse to let myself think about a world without HIM.  It’s too awful, too lonely, and too hopeless to think about.  And why think about something we don’t have to?  We should rejoice!  God is here and he is very much alive and he cares about us more than we can ever imagine.  More than we can possibly care about another human being.  He loves us more than we can possibly love him…  at least while we are still on this earth.  I know I would have not have survived almost 31 years on this earth without him, and so today, I am beyond grateful that his love is unconditional and eternal.

 

Embracing the Journey

I have not always embraced my journey.  Growing up, I definitely had times when I completely wanted to reject my journey.  I didn’t want my cross.  Now, more or less, I have accepted it.  I think acceptance came with the realization that this life is only temporary.  It’s not forever.  When I die to this life, I will be born again to heaven – a place of freedom, a place of love, a place of worship and song, and a place of beauty.  In my wildest imaginings, I do not even come close to the splendor that awaits.  Our heavenly life will be everything this life is not.  Pain does not exist there.  Separation from God is impossible.  Sadness will be eradicated.  This is the promise I cling to.  I will open my mouth in heaven and talk and not be stared at.  I will run, jump, dance.  My bodily scars will fade from sight.  They will no longer exist.  And I hope there will be horses in heaven because I want to ride again.  I hope there will be unicorns.  I know there will be magic.  Maybe not my exact idea of magic here on earth, but heavenly magic.  The purest kind there is.

When I was a child, I lost myself in books.  The Secret Garden – Mary, Dickon, and Collin were my friends.  Collin learning to walk again in the garden was a miracle, and I have always been one to believe in miracles.  Someday, I believe strongly that I will walk unaided in a garden.  I will stand on my own two feet, my own strength, and I will not fall.  A Little Princess – I found refuge in Sara Crew and her magic of make-believe.  One thing I learned from her is that if you believe in something enough and you want it badly enough, then it has a way of surprising you and actually happening.  And ahhh, Little Women.  Jo, Meg, Amy, and dearest Beth.  How I loved them.  These characters were more than characters to me.  Reading was how I escaped from reality.

And I knew in my dreams, I was free from my physical limitations, and I know now that heaven will not be too different from that.  Once upon a time, it was disappointing to me when I woke up and found everything exactly the way it was when I went to sleep.  I guess that is when I started having trouble sleeping.  I didn’t want to visit my dreamland knowing that sooner or later, my time there will end.  Better not to go there at all, I thought.  But it proved to be impossible, because after all, I am only human, and humans need sleep to survive.

So embracing my journey, for me, has been a process, and I still struggle from time to time.  This is my life, according to my mind and my heart, and someday, it will be a thing of the past.  I have earthly dreams.  I have earthly goals.  I have things to do, places to go, people to see.  People to meet.  Some will only be in my life for a little while, but many others will stay.  And every day is another chance to make a difference, to change the world.  It is not always easy, but it is worth it.  It has to be, because otherwise, what is the point of all this pain and suffering?

Last week, I read a status on Facebook that was shared from another page.  This mother went to the pharmacy to get her daughter’s prescriptions filled (the little girl had just been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor), and was wandering the aisles, lost, hopeless, sad, etc.  Suddenly, an annoyed voice cut through her thoughts – “I said excuse me.”  The mother had annoyed a perfect stranger by standing in the middle of an aisle so that the lady couldn’t pass with her cart.  The insensitive stranger didn’t think about what the mother was going through, probably gave no thought to the poor woman other than the fact that this person was in her way.  This insensitive stranger was only thinking of herself.  But what if she gave a moment’s thought to why the woman was standing there looking like the bottom of her world had fallen out from under her?  She didn’t need to get angry…  she just chose to.  We all make decisions like this every single day.  We don’t know everybody’s stories.  We can’t know, not unless we stop and take the time to know it.  Judge not, lest you be judged yourself.  I wonder what the insensitive stranger would have done if it had been her in the middle of the aisle and the mother with the cart?  How would the insensitive stranger deal with the terminally ill daughter?  If she had looked more closely at the mother, would she have recognized a soul in pain and reached out, instead of being nasty?

This world is not a compassionate one unless we make it so.  It starts with me and you and the next person as well.  Instead of striving for perfection in our own lives, let us strive for perfection in our neighbors’ lives.  And yes, by neighbors, I mean the lost-looking strangers at the pharmacy, in the streets, in line at the bank, sitting quietly in a corner at Starbucks, etc, etc, etc.  You’ll never know another person’s story unless you take the time to know it, and when you can’t know it, you can still treat him or her with kindness.  We have to not only embrace our own journeys, but also those of the people surrounding us, whether they be family, friend, or stranger.

30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE: DAY 30 – MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR

Dear Reflection,

I remember when I was little and used to imagine that you were my twin, trapped behind glass.  Your every movement mirrored mine, and sometimes I would get overexcited and try to avoid seeing you, because I thought if I did, you would do something independent of me.  That freaked me out to no end.  I still avoid looking into your eyes sometimes because I don’t like what I see there.  The sadness is too much for me.  I like the fire and the hope, but sometimes you get so heavy with sadness that I cannot bear to actually see it.  I know when it happens, even without you.  I get quiet.  My heart is heavy.  Nothing makes me happy.  This is such an awful world to live in sometimes, but it still has God’s hand on it.  If it didn’t, I think it would shatter into a gazillion pieces.  He holds it together.  He holds me together.

You tell me no lies.  I love and hate you for that.  When I am by myself, lost in my own world, it is easy to forget my physical challenges.  I hear the voice in my head and it’s clear and strong, though coming at me a thousand miles per minute, with every beat of my heart.  But you show me the truth – it’s through you and through the eyes of others that I really see myself how I actually am, and sometimes it’s too much.  I have to get away, but I don’t really know how other than crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head.  But the world is not going to be better off if I hide all the time.  The hardest thing to to in this world is to live in it.  Press on – that is all I can do.  Because anything else is completely unacceptable.  I have to be strong while I’m weak.  It’s the only way.

There is more I could say, but I don’t want this to be a novel…

Love,

Me